3 Weeks and Panic is Setting In!

For the last few weeks the entire thought of this world trip that I’m about to embark on has seemed like a surreal dream or a movie that I was only paying partial attention to. This couldn’t be real and definitely was not happening to me. I kept thinking “sure I’d love to travel the world and visit new countries, see new things, talk to new people… I’ll do that someday”. Somehow it felt like I was going to wake up, safe, secure and happy with how things are now in my very sedentary lifestyle, that today is not ‘someday’, but here I am and panic is finally starting to set in.

Well.. I woke up rather abruptly this week and realized that not only am I really going through with it, I have a massive amount of tasks to accomplish before I can get on that plane… in 3 weeks!

So far I’ve given notice on my apartment, found a nice couple to take over my lease, bought a lot of needed travel gear, sold most of my furniture, scanned massive amounts of old photos and papers that I just couldn’t part with and (somewhat) started this blog. It seems so little has been accomplished when I write it down.

Hmm, did I mention it’s only 3 weeks? Uh huh! I still need to buy a ticket (after I fully decide where to start this adventure), get travellers insurance,  say good-bye to friends, take care of about a billion loose ends (cancel utilities, update online accounts, forward any straggling mail to an alternate address etc. etc.), sell the rest of my stuff and give away anything that still is sitting around by the deadline. Oh, and taxes for 2009 since I won’t be in Canada for tax season… and that’s just a small snippet of the list, or as I’ve started calling it, the “big list of OMG I still have to do what?!?!”

OK… deep breath…

I’m pretty sure these feelings are normal, every time I’ve moved from one city to another the old one starts to seem better and better. Old friends start calling again, the sun shines more, people smile and greet me by name as I wander around the neighbourhood… it feels as if Toronto is trying to lull me back before I’ve even gone.

I started having doubts soon after I thought of packing it all in and backpacking the world, why leave when its safe here? I have a career, friends, a comfortable apartment in my favourite area of the city. Why do I need to do this? What do I hope to find?

The last few days I’ve been going through all my stuff and trying to organise it into piles sorted by who to give what to, donations and trash. Let me tell you, the process of scanning pictures and seeing all the happy times sure did put me in a sad sentimental place. In a way, that’s the answer right there, it’s the past… I want the future, I need change! I want to be challenged again, to be unsure and lost, not because of insecurities, but because I’m suddenly in a place that I don’t know the language and cultural expectations. There’s a strong freedom in that and a strength that I need to find again in myself.

I just keep telling myself to breathe, that if I change my mind Canada will still be here, that it will be easier once I get going, that I’d regret not travelling while I have the chance, that I will enjoy it once I get out there and that the ‘getting ready’ will be the hard part.

I feel like this is the right thing for me… so the only thing left to do is all the stuff that is still left to do! No I’m not backing out…. and I won’t forget to breathe.